Close Equivalent

In the end, I lose. I lose you.

More than likely it is improper for me to do this.  Part of me knows that I shouldn’t and the other half of me agonizes over this secret I’m holding.  Straightforwardly, I am crazy over you.  Unjustifiably.  I don’t know enough about you, honestly.  But what I do know was enough to spin my world off-balance. I know of a young man who always made me feel valid. Who listened and when I was scared, offered his chest for me to cry on. I remember feeling warm in your arms and you distinctly saying “This feels so right”.  So many times I wanted to take advantage of our proximity and steal a kiss.  But that too, I felt would be improper.  I wish I wasn’t overly concerned with what is proper and what isn’t.  But, it is a large part of me and something I take pride in.  It is only until now when I have fallen for a man out of my league have I scheme-fully thought of ways to silence my anguish – to no avail.  The spirit screams louder and torments my conscience more than my disquieting thoughts of you that I have the burden of bearing each night.  And if, darling, this war makes no sense to you, that is my biggest proof of why this shouldn’t be.  You don’t understand.  You won’t understand.  And out of respect for myself, my name, and the name I carry, I must wish you all the best and surrender my captive mind.  Dare I say “I love you”?  I will not.  But I must go promptly before I forget all the names involved.  I want nothing further to do with you.  You must become a distant memory to me and when the rise of your name ascends to my ears, I must feel unmoved and proceed with normal conversation.  For the sake of blame, let’s just say I am woman and irrational.  If it helps, then so it must be.  But, aside from my bitterness of soul, make someone happy, sweetheart.  Kiss them tenderly and carefully calculated.  Caress their cheeks.  Stare into their eyes.  I’ve thought of a million ways to say goodbye in person just to give your lips an awakening and mine some closure but that too I realize is improper and unclean. So, in the end, I lose.  I lose you.  But in time, I hope to win some mercy and a close equivalent to someone like you.

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